By Mark Rearden, West Lake Country Club | November 1, 2019
A while back when I was still in Sumter, SC I offered up a bit of praise to one of our junior tennis players during our High Performance Clinic. What she had done wasn’t really an athletic feat, but she had managed to stack an unbelievably large amount of tennis balls on her racket while we were in the process of picking up. “Hey Mark, check this out,” she exclaimed. I responded with one of my pet expressions when someone performs admirably. “Good effort,” I said. “Good effort? Are you kidding me?,” came her baffled reply. When we made eye contact I saw she was starring at me like I had two heads. At this point I was clueless as to where we were in the conversation so I just asked, “What were you looking for there? I told you I thought that was a good effort. How was that a miss?” “Mark, ‘good effort’ is what you say to someone who has just lost a match or has failed at something, something you say to losers. It is what you say as a consolation.”
WHAT? Has she lost her mind? We continued to debate the subject while we finished the task of picking up the tennis balls. Neither she nor I gave much ground in defending our position. Being that I teach tennis for a living I naturally have a bit of competitiveness about myself, so when the entire group stopped for water I posed the question to the group. To a person, every one of them agreed she was right. Saying ‘good effort’ was, to their way of thinking, a manner of offering consolation and maybe skirting on the edge of saying, “You stunk it up out there today, but ‘good effort’ is a more polite substitute.”
Wow! Could I have been any more off the mark? What I have been using with this wonderful group of kids as my way of issuing a compliment has likely been heard as a slight. Not good. It is amazing how sometimes we think we are putting a pretty ‘good effort’ out there and really we may be stinking it up. Once again, one of my students ended up teaching me and has caused me to pay more attention to what comes out of my mouth.
As a coach and teacher I have always tried to be aware of how my language may impact my students. Years ago, a good friend who happens to be a Phd in Pyschology gave me a wonderful lesson on how “not to teach kids.” My friend has been the head of his department at every college where he has taught, so I took his advice as that of an expert. Because we are good friends we seldom minced words.
One afternoon he arrived early at my club for a fun doubles match and sat courtside while I finished teaching one of my young students. I was pleased to have him there, because I wanted him to see that I was “good at what I do” too. Even the best of friends can still be competitive. When I finished my lesson I introduced my student and his dad to Bill. They exchanged a few words and Bill did what any good teacher will do. He made mention of a couple of the student’s strengths he had observed as he watched, told him to keep up the good work and told his dad that he could find no better coach for his son than me. Good job Bill. He encouraged the student and delivered the official endorsement to the guy who controls the purse strings. But it did not end there.
After they walked away Bill asked if I minded him giving me a bit of advice. After the glowing report I had just received I was sure it would be some tidbit that would only add to the already wonderful lesson I had just taught. Wrong. He went on to explain how often I used the word “don’t.” I immediately began my defense of why I use that ….. He cut me off. “Mark, I am not criticizing you, I just think there is a better word.” He was kind enough to make it about the training he had received in his profession rather than a coach of my years still managing to be inept. He explained that kids go through much of their childhood hearing the word “don’t” from their parents; sometimes to protect them, other times to correct them. But in either event, to the child it feels negative. Now we all know that we should stay positive when teaching, but for me Bill took it a step further. He said, “As an example, use expressions like, Do this, rather than that and leave off “don’t.” It made perfect sense. He went on to say it is better to save the word “don’t” for when the student is being stubborn or misbehaves. Good stuff.
As teachers we must monitor what comes out of our mouth, even if it seems benign enough to us. If we pay attention we will continue to speak more precisely and choose the best word for the occasion. Regardless of whether the advice comes from a high school senior or from a professional educator we must hear with their ears. Mark my words, it will change the way you speak.